Code of Confidence - Part 4

[00:00:05] It's always nice to look out and see a bunch of people. It's so, so nice to see what is here under this roof. And we can't see you out there, but we know you're here. But you should come here sometime and be a part of this. But for what we're doing here, we're all making progress. And if my. The feedback I get from people is an indication, sometimes it's not so pleasant and kind. But what I've heard, as we've talked about, confidence is certainly indicative of us making progress. And we spent a lot of time the last few weeks, really much more than I expected to spend unpacking confidence. And we started with the God stuff. And really it's all God stuff, because God made your brain. But really what I mean is faith. And we haven't attached this word to, but the Hebrew word emunah, faith. That's where we started. Belief, acknowledgement. But even more than that, we focused our emphasis on another Hebrew word which we have not talked about, which is called bittachon, trust. Active trust, reliance on God in daily life that he's leading, that you can follow with peace of mind and courage. And trusting also that sometimes, maybe oftentimes, God is not going to move until you move, because sometimes he's waiting on some demonstration of your bittechon, of your trusting, of your willingness to step into the sea. And we talked about nachshon stepping in. We've talked about Moses and his journey from two mountaintops, the same mountaintop, but the burning bush and this lack of confidence guy all the way to the ascent to Mount Sinai to meet God amidst the thunder and the lightning, the sound of the shofar, and to represent all of God's people. What an unbelievable transformation. Okay, we talked about that. Then we shifted a bit to the practical, how confidence is not something you can wait for or just hope that it happens. It's something you build through action. We tackled the fear, and I threw this in and Darren reminded me, you didn't really even explain it. We tackled the fear, F, E, A, R, false expectations appearing real. [00:02:24] We tackled this, the doubts, the what ifs, the rumination, the gnats. And we've learned to replace them with even if, not what if, but even if. And above all, I told you last week, particularly, you need to build something in your life, a specific thing that should run and manage your life. Because confidence isn't a feeling. It's not something you just feel. [00:02:50] It's a system. You need to build a system in your life. That does a better job of managing your subconscious thoughts than just letting those thoughts run wise, wild. We compared the number of subconscious thoughts in the thousands to the forty or something conscious thoughts that we have. [00:03:12] We cannot allow our brains to run unchecked. [00:03:18] And according to Bill Walsh, for one, the coach of the 49ers, more importantly, the Torah, the score takes care of itself. When you follow a system, a positive, repeatedly ingrained and repeatable system, your life moves in a better trajectory. We can drive our subconscious mind to relearn, to rewire through our conscious thoughts. We change the system, we change our fears, we change our confidence, we change our trajectory. But we do have to still, and this is actually the conclusion of this series, address a significant problem, a roadblock that people encounter along the way. And there are so many facets to the topic. But this is a very important piece of our discussion, the part that most people try to avoid. The one thing that keeps so many people from ever stepping in to begin with that word is failure. [00:04:23] Failure. Either the fear of failure or an actual experience with it that guides your forward progress. And the reason that so many people never live confidently or gain confidence is not because they are not capable of it. Everyone is. [00:04:46] But for many people, it's because at some point in their life, they failed. They stepped out, they tried, it didn't work. Or someone spoke failure over them, said, you're no good, you'll never account to anything, amount to anything. You'll never be anything, you don't have any potential. And man those things when you hear them or when you experience them, they scar you. [00:05:12] They leave a mark, a deep wound for some people. But here's the truth to confront today in our last piece of the code of confidence. Confidence is not about never failing. [00:05:27] Confidence is about failing. Well, now, understanding that it's not the opposite of success, it is part of the process. Now I want to revisit the what ifs one more time because the what ifs what if? They offer us a perfect example of how we unknowingly swim in a sea of fear and failure. And we talked a lot about what ifs, what if versus even if. But listen, when you break down what ifs, they are the clearest example of our natural tendency to fear, failure or unpredictability. Let me explain that. [00:06:11] What if this happens? What if that happens? What if this doesn't go as planned? What if something goes wrong? What if what? What if? What if? And if you translate all of these what ifs and where they point, where you end up for so many people, Is that really what the what if points to is? What if I fail? [00:06:40] What if I fail the ultimate what if. What if something goes wrong? What if something unexpected happens and if that happens, this could happen and oh my goodness, if that happens, then this will happen and ah, what am I even thinking? [00:06:58] Who am I? [00:07:01] I could never do that. And what you recognize at work there are the things that we've talked about. Gnats, negative, automatic thoughts. We think about rumination. We begin to ruminate on these fears of false expectations appearing real and then we step into paralysis of analysis and then there is no forward progress. [00:07:26] What if? What if is an anticipation of failure. [00:07:32] That's what it is. What if it's failure language. It's building a vocabulary of negative thoughts. Now listen, there are definitely times to ask practical what if questions. Yeshua said who builds without counting the cost? There are certainly times when we need to be practical, seeking God's will in our lives. Nothing I'm saying is to be recklessly moving through this life. [00:08:01] But the truth is that when it comes to bold action, to self confidence in our ability to do things in our confidence, to stand up or stand out, to take a position, to defend ourselves or our beliefs, it's not practical what if questions that hinder our progress. [00:08:21] It's the fear of a misstep that keeps us from taking a risk or an action or making a change maybe from maybe. Guess what? You ready for the real thing? The fear of maybe looking ignorant or incapable or unprepared because those things happen. [00:08:40] But listen, what ifs are rarely phrased in the positive. Are they? [00:08:48] How often do you ask yourself questions like this when you're facing life's challenges? [00:08:55] Listen, I know, yeah, I'm a little bit like scared, but what if taking this step results in the most amazing thing I could ever imagine in my life? What if? Or what if this really does prove to be difficult, but on the other side, what? What if something unimaginably great happens for my family or for me and we begin then to build a whole positive what if catalog. What if this? That would be exciting. And then what if this? And what if that happens? How many times do we do that with our what if statements? That's very rarely what they look like. These are not the questions we're asking what if to so I don't want to beat the what if horse to death. [00:09:47] We know the alternative, we've talked about it. No, don't say what if, say even if. But here's another memorable Way to think of even if thinking. Okay. And I've already read you this quote from Teddy Roosevelt. [00:10:00] Not going to read the whole thing, but amazing quote. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred with blood, sweat and tears, who at dust, blood, sweat, whatever, a bunch of nasty stuff. Because he's working hard. That's what's on his face. Who at best, Teddy said, knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his peace shall never, his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat. That's the quote, or part of it. I want to develop something among us. [00:10:41] It's called arena thinking. [00:10:45] The man or woman in the arena. I want you to anchor this into your mind. Arena thinking. I told you about the physiological effects of saying something when you are anxious or feel fearful or have some big thing ahead of you. I taught you something. Or when you're feeling butterflies, Nerves, raging. Or when you're fearing from a previous or potential failure. What did I teach you to say? From Phil Stutts is where I quoted it. When you're feeling butterflies, what do you say? [00:11:28] That's good. And listen, the excitement I just heard behind that phrase makes me know that you guys are really into it. What did I tell you to say? Bring it on. [00:11:40] Bring it on. I'm excited. [00:11:43] That's better. [00:11:45] There it is. That's it. [00:11:51] So that's arena thinking. [00:11:54] That is stepping into the arena and saying, bring it on. I'm excited. [00:12:01] I love fear. Step into the arena. It always makes me think of Russell Crowe and Gladiator. Such an unbelievable movie about fortitude and courage and overcoming and not backing down anyway. [00:12:18] And we can frame arena thinking with the scripture. I hate to be just. This gets used so often in so many messages, but this is it. Lived, practiced, believed. Our brother Paul said it. I can do all things through Messiah who strengthens me. [00:12:36] Arena thinking. We're gonna. Great. Okay, great. Another little thing you threw in there. Arena thinking. Great. So I step into the arena. Bring it on. I'm excited. I love fear. And then what happens? I fall face first into a big pile of fear. Failure. [00:12:56] Then what? [00:12:59] Well, that is actually. [00:13:02] That is the right answer. And I'd love to say that's the easy answer, but that is the answer. Get up, do it again. [00:13:12] And people, when I say that, say, I knew you were going to say that. It's not that easy. [00:13:18] And you're right. It's not that easy. It's very difficult to get up when you're down. But do you know why it's difficult when you fail to get up again? It's because of the way that failure is framed. Not just you, but all of society frames failure in a certain way that makes it so difficult to have the courage to just get up, shake it off, and go again. What is failure? Failure. [00:13:48] We've been trained to think of it, as I said, as the opposite of success. But it's not. It's not the end of the road. It's part of the road. [00:13:57] Failure is not a scarlet letter that you walk around for the rest of your life and people go, eee. [00:14:04] It's a badge of experience. [00:14:08] And I know that's actually kind of hard to see. But here's the problem. Most people don't frame it that way. Failure, for most people is proof. Proof of what? [00:14:19] Proof of the confirmation of my inner thoughts. [00:14:24] I knew I couldn't do this. I knew I wasn't good enough. I knew I didn't have the skills. I knew I wasn't meant for this and I'm never gonna accomplish it. [00:14:35] That's just proof. [00:14:39] And it becomes part of their identity, part of their inner dialogue. Another gnat, another negative, automatic thought reinfor bad things that you already put in place to think about yourself. [00:14:52] Now listen. They stop, they fall. They stop, they don't get up, or they do get up. But it's not to go forward. It's to come running full speed backwards. They retreat. [00:15:04] But arena thinking tells us that the only real failure is never stepping into the arena to begin with. [00:15:13] That's the real failure. Never even giving it a shot or stepping back in. Failure, I want to tell you, is indeed proof. It is proof, but of a very different kind when handled correctly. Viewed properly, failure is proof of effort and progress. That's why I say it's a badge. You can wear it proudly, actually. [00:15:38] Now, listen. I know there's a lot of people saying what? Listen, even when it comes. Even when it comes to missing the mark with God, okay? Sin when we fall short, we miss the mark. [00:15:54] That's a failure. [00:15:57] But taking the opportunity to recognize that as a failure, to have enough sense, enough spirit to say, oh, my goodness, I could have done better, you know what that is? Progress. Actually, that is some positive thing. It is part of the profit of the process, even acknowledgement of failure. That's progress and opportunity. [00:16:24] You will actually listen. [00:16:28] You lose your temper with someone, you say a harsh word to someone, you Engage in a lashon harrah conversation with someone and you walk away saying, I'm pitiful, I'm terrible, I'm never going to change. [00:16:44] No. [00:16:45] Recognizing that you made a mistake and make the great thing would be to never do it again. But that's not often how life works, is it? We fail and all of a sudden we fix it and we never do it again. [00:16:59] There is a process. It's rarely rare to step into something and go from A to Z in one step. What actually happens in the progress of life? A to B, that's progress. B to C, C to D. There are opportunities. Sometimes when you go from C to J and you're like, yeah. And then the next day J to B and you're like, no. But you reward effort, not outcome. [00:17:39] You reward effort, not outcome. You need to learn to celebrate effort, not outcome. When you have a big step, great. Celebrate it. When you fall back. It's not exactly celebration material, but it's not win or lose, it's win or learn, right? This is how we deal with it. Properly framed, failure is feedback. We talked about learning from failure, but how many people actually embrace that? [00:18:07] How many people actually recognize failure as a part of the process? Failure is data. [00:18:16] Every time you try and don't succeed, you're learning something. If you're willing, you can go look up Thomas Edison's famous quote about the light bulb. [00:18:25] Maybe about your approach, maybe about your skill set, maybe about your weaknesses, maybe about your fears, about your decision making process, about what not to do. But if you frame failure as a teacher instead of an executioner, you can actually use it to your benefit and you develop something that you must have in this life. And fewer and fewer and fewer people actually have it. The word is resilience. And memorably phrased grit. [00:18:54] You need grit. You need to be tough to be able to do these things. Failure is resistance training. Just like going to the gym and building muscles. That's what it does. Breaks things down, builds them up. Now, something really important I need to say here. Other people will fail you. [00:19:17] That is a certainty. Even those closest to you, even though you could have never imagined them failing you, they do. [00:19:24] But even in this, there is a choice regarding how you move forward. It's not easy, but contrary to the phrase that says, you know how I hate this? It is what it is. [00:19:40] Even when someone fails you and it is what it is, it still is up to you to make it what it will be. [00:19:50] That's just the way it has to be. [00:19:55] You just don't have foresight. God's foresight to know why things happen or how it could work out. And situations like that where someone fails you. This is the epitome of what if versus even if living. You just. It's hard. So the question. Rabbi, this is really dumb. You're telling us, celebrate your failures, get out there and fail. [00:20:24] I know it sounds ridiculous, but here's the acronym of all the things I want you to get this. [00:20:32] Fail. [00:20:33] F A I Ale El F A I Lager. No. F A I L. Facing adversity inspires learning. [00:20:54] Facing adversity inspires learning. [00:20:59] That's the attitude. [00:21:03] That's what gets you up off the ground. But you have to take action. It doesn't happen on its own. [00:21:12] I told you about the book, the confidence code. 200 plus page book. On page 141, it says this. If you get nothing else out of this book, if you only remember one thing, let it be. When in doubt, act. [00:21:30] I've already said I'll say again. I don't mean recklessly. I don't mean without prayer. I don't mean without counting the cost. But when in doubt, act. And yes, sometimes you miss. And you know what Failure is proof that you took action. [00:21:49] And if confidence is built through action, the most powerful confidence comes after you failed to take action. [00:21:59] And listen to me, this is important. [00:22:02] Fail fast, get in, get out, get the data. Get what needs to be learned. Learn the lesson, apply it, anchor it, add it to your system and move on. I get it. Easier said than done. [00:22:21] Listen, I'm actually not great at this. [00:22:26] I'm standing up here teaching this. I'm not that great at it. Gosh, I could have done. [00:22:31] Why didn't I? [00:22:33] What if I had? But you didn't. [00:22:36] It's that easy. What if I had? But you didn't. [00:22:41] Thus, you failed. You came up short. You missed. [00:22:47] Now fail fast, get in, get out. Do not ruminate, do not meditate. Do not internalize the gnats. Frame it. Fail. Fear. I mean, gosh. Facing adversity inspires learning. Facing adversity inspires learning. Facing adversity inspires learning. Build the system, reframe it. Get the lesson. But I'm afraid to take a step. [00:23:12] But I'm afraid. [00:23:14] I need to understand what's holding me back. I need to get into my inner self. I need to tap into the root of my fear. [00:23:23] Then I'll be equipped to act. That's not true. [00:23:29] Here's another great Tackling it kills it. [00:23:35] Tackling it Kills it. Understanding our deepest fears and challenges that may be revealed to you along the way in the arena. It might be, but many times you may never find the basis of a fear or worry. [00:23:52] As you're out there, you want to know why? You want to know why? You may never find the basis of your deepest fear or worry? [00:24:03] Because they're not real. [00:24:06] They're irrational fears. [00:24:09] They're things that you create. They're not real. The fear is not real. And being in the arena keeps you too busy to work. Worry about what I call mdming it. [00:24:21] And by now it's my favorite quote. I've given it goodness knows how many times. Mdming it. Michel de Montaigne, 15th century French philosopher. Anyone know the quote? My life has been filled with terrible misfortune, most of which never happened. [00:24:43] You may never find the cause of your deepest fear because you created it and it's not real. [00:24:53] There is an unbelievable power in decision. When in doubt, take action. When faced with the what ifs, take action. Be prepared. With this, even if attitude. Bring it on. I'm excited. Celebrate effort, not outcome. Frame. Failure is learning. Yeah, I missed the mark. But you know what? Facing adversity inspires learning gives me data. It gives me fuel for course correction. And friends, listen. When you have a tremendous outcome, celebrate it. Build those kind of pats positive automatic thoughts. Build those. And take the time to add that memory to your positivity. Cud if you want to ruminate, ruminate on the good stuff. When you have something to celebrate, celebrate it. Okay, great. All sounds good. Good for the future. But my past holds me back. [00:25:44] Fine. Okay, but my past. If only you knew what I've been through. If only you knew what I've done. If only you knew what I didn't do. You know, I remember the time when I tried this and, oh, it was terrible. Yeah, I just fell apart. I just never really recovered. I don't want to do that again. [00:26:05] There's a beautiful, mystical Jewish teaching. I got it from Ross, who got it from Derek Limbaugh. Is Derek in here? [00:26:17] Just listen to this. [00:26:19] My thoughts, man. I just. [00:26:23] I'm paralyzed from moving forward. Listen. [00:26:26] The barrages of negative thoughts with which we are attacked originate with the parasitic force of evil which tries to pull us down at the moment that we are on the verge of making a breakthrough. [00:26:41] It's a tactic. Its tactic is to flood our mind with negative thoughts and feelings as well as memories of things we may have done wrong in the past and vivid images of things that we don't want to see our subjective experience of these thoughts and images is that we're being attacked. [00:27:00] Something seems dead set on derailing us and pulling us as far down as it can. On the deeper level, though, these thoughts represent parts of ourself that need to be redeemed in a hidden way. They're saying, please take us with you too. [00:27:23] We also need to be fixed. Don't leave us behind. [00:27:31] Thus, when we are attacked by such thoughts, this is a sure sign that we're contacting a deeper strata of our psyche. And thus we're on the verge of a major breakthrough in our lives. Man, that puts a whole new spin on negative thoughts. Imagine your negative thoughts saying to you, hey, wait, I'm here. Don't leave me behind. Take me, fix me. Move forward. Go forward and fix me. [00:28:04] Take us with you. Don't brush us aside. Ignore, press down. In other words, we ruminate on our past failures and our negative experiences when what we really need to do is redeem them through action. [00:28:17] Just take a different step and redeem failure in your life. Don't let it just. [00:28:27] Crabs in a pot. Get down here. Get down here. [00:28:32] Redeem them. I love that. Listen, let me conclude. I could spend 2,000. [00:28:38] I could spend five hours talking about this. I don't need to. It's not that difficult. [00:28:45] It's not a difficult lesson. What if, even if. Cows, gnats, butterflies, systems, arenas, acronyms. When in doubt, act not recklessly, but take action. All of it, though, is summarized in this. You ready? Here we go. What you believe about yourself, what you reinforce about yourself, who you think God made you to be, what you program creates your operating system. And no matter the state of your current operating system, if it is corrupt, it can be reprogrammed. [00:29:19] It can be reprogrammed today. The fear of others, the fear of failure, the fear of hard work, the fear of relationships, broken relationships, the fear of being overwhelmed. There are a million areas we could choose to fear, and there are probably just as many areas that we could spend countless hours looking into our lives, past, present, and find all of our failures. [00:29:47] And all of these things could paralyze us and crash our operating system. But as I said last week, why in the world would you do that? [00:29:55] Why in the world would a sane person ruminate on the bad things in their lives or let them continue, Continue, continue to cycle and be digested and spit up and chewed again. Friends, tackling it kills it. Tackling it kills it. But as I told you before, having the tools will not build this House, Even God. God is the architect of your life. You know that. He created you. You're his design, your blueprint. But he can't build the house, but he's provided the plan and the tools. Even an architect needs a labor force. They need somebody to do the work. [00:30:34] God asks us to do that. And you know something personal. I know all this stuff. I get this stuff. I teach it, I understand it, and still I struggle often to do it. [00:30:50] And it's useless until you do it. [00:30:54] Knowledge is power, but only when you put it to use. [00:31:01] All of this stuff is there to utilize, to apply. I told you about the brain God gave you, the spirit he implanted. And listen, parents, I want you to teach this stuff to your kids. [00:31:12] I remember being on the steps out here, Travis Fisher. I don't know why this is anchored in my mind. On the pavilion steps going down, there's stone and rough wood and rocks and dirt and all kinds of stuff. And I walk by and I see Travis out there with Tobias. He was, I don't know how, eight or ten months old maybe. And he's crawling on the steps, like up them and like, sort of face first, down one. And I'm like. [00:31:40] I mean, the kid could face plant or, you know, fall could get hurt. [00:31:47] That's what I thought. And as I walked by, oh, by the way, Tobias was there doing all that. Travis was nearby, but he wasn't helicoptering. You know what helicopter parents are, right? [00:32:04] He wasn't hovering. He was just nearby. [00:32:10] And as I walked by, I said to Travis, man, that's one way for him to learn. [00:32:15] And he just sort of smiled. He gave him enough room to fail. [00:32:24] That's what he did. He was close. [00:32:28] And you could say, man, that's terrible. That's terrible. No, you know what that is? That's life. [00:32:36] That's life. [00:32:38] And what I can tell you is that I firmly believe our Father in heaven actually does the same in many situations in our life. I want you to learn to fail. Well, fail fast. Get up. Go again. I want you to let your kids fail. [00:32:55] You know why? Just like us. It's good for them if they fail. It's good for them to know, to learn from it. But you don't fail them. [00:33:05] You teach them about falling down and getting up, about arena thinking, about the necessity of struggle, the good side of failure and resistance. And you make sure your words are valuable. But you know what? Your words mean very little to your kids. [00:33:23] Demonstrating it in action means a lot to your kids. So you teach them by Action. [00:33:32] These things that I've learned and taught you, they can change lives, they can change life trajectories. [00:33:39] You know, my dad surprises me sometimes. Not just because he gets up and speaks unannounced. He does surprise me sometimes. I have learned so much from my father, so much wisdom for it in so many ways. And I know that that's not everyone's story, so I really cherish that. But my dad had this strange poem that he would. He knew it, like, the whole thing. I think he learned it in elementary school. [00:34:10] And he would. He would say it at really frustrating times. [00:34:17] Those frustrating times were when I would say to him, I can't do it, or it's impossible, or worse. He would definitely recite it when I would say, you can't do it or that can't be done. [00:34:34] And here we would go with this poem randomly. It came back to me. He would at least say the first line. By the time I was old enough, I knew what was coming next. That's all he had to say. You can't do that. And he would begin to recite this. As he started doing Couldn't be done Edgar Albert guessed somebody said that it couldn't be done but he with a chuckle replied that maybe it couldn't but he'd be the one who wouldn't say so till he tried so he buckled right in with the trace of a grin on his face if he worried, he hid it he started to sing as he tackled the thing that couldn't be done and he did it Somebody scoffed oh, you'll never do that at least no one's ever done it but he took off his coat and he took off his hat and the first thing we knew he'd begun it With a lift of his chin and a bit of a grin without any doubting or Quidditch he started to sing as he tackled the thing that couldn't be done and he did it There are thousands to tell you it cannot be done There are thousands to prophesy failure There are thousands to point out to you one by one the dangers that wait to assail you but just buckle right in with a bit of a grin Just take off your coat and go to it and just start Just start in to sing as you tackle the thing that cannot be done and you'll do it I read that yesterday as I prepared. I cried thinking how much I really wish that I had gotten the message he was giving me. [00:36:12] It took decades and how much I want everyone to have this message on replay in their heart. So thank you dad, for the irritating poem that I should have listened to. [00:36:28] I will always remember it. Listen we don't have time. We don't have time for living anything less than the abundant and confident life. We don't have time for doubt, for fear, for lack of confidence, for fear of failure, for fear in general. We are not what ifs, we are even ifs. There are thousands to tell you it cannot be done. There are thousands to prophesy failure, that's true. And for goodness sakes, don't let your own thoughts join that chorus and where are there are thousands to ask you this question who do you think you are? [00:37:10] And to cast doubt and point fingers when you stumble or laugh when you fall. But listen, in the immortal words of Kimberly Sweet Brown Wilkins, ain't nobody got time for that. [00:37:25] If God created us as his helpers, and he did. If God created us as co laborers, and he did. If he's given us the tools to build the house of a confident mind that we might step into our calling, reflect more of his glory. If he's given us the brain and the ability and the spirit, we should accept those gifts gratefully and with confidence. But what if. Shh. [00:37:56] Don't say that. [00:37:59] Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous, do not be frightened and do not be dismayed. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go. [00:38:14] That is Joshua. [00:38:17] And I knew I would get it into this message somewhere. [00:38:20] And that's the conclusion of which we should walk out our lives with this code of confidence. [00:38:30] Shabbat Shalom I'm Darren with Shalom Macon. If you enjoyed this teaching, I want to ask you to take the next step. 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