Episode Transcript
[00:00:04] Speaker A: I know, I know.
[00:00:06] Speaker B: I know.
What some of us feel for the first Shabbat after Yom Kippur. Sometimes you can tell by the seats in the sanctuary how people are feeling it, and that is that they're empty because people are saying, thank God. We made it through that.
Thank God.
And now, especially in our community, we say, no more mountains, right? No more discarnation, comfort. No more soul accounting.
[00:00:35] Speaker A: Into the coast, baby. Sukkot, here we come.
[00:00:40] Speaker B: Let's get there. And I understand fasting, confessing, making amends, none of that is actually easy. And we are headed to Sukkot for sure. It is, above all, without a doubt, the best time in the year.
Cool weather, laid back fall.
It's awesome.
And most especially as a rabbi, it's past the holidays.
I love the holidays. But I am thankful to be standing here before you today.
[00:01:10] Speaker A: Season we're coming into. You know this name, maybe it's called.
[00:01:13] Speaker B: Zaman Simchatenu Ziman, the time Simchatenu of our rejoicing.
It is, you know, the climb of the Yamim Norayim of Rosh Hashanah, the days of all to Rosh Hashanah. They brought us to the summit. And Sukkot is like we rest, we.
[00:01:31] Speaker A: Kick back, we bring our picnic to the top of the mountain and we just.
[00:01:38] Speaker B: Sukkot is the exhale.
We rest there.
[00:01:43] Speaker A: And God made it that way.
[00:01:45] Speaker B: That's actually the way it's supposed to be. Supposed to have this incredible time of intensity. And then he created, in his beautiful, wonderful, perfect calendar, a time of relief.
And we're ready for that celebration.
I could say, but.
But I'll say. And it's important, though, for me to tell you something. We're still on. We're still on the mountain, okay?
Coming to us is a celebration on the mountain. We're cleaned up, we're refreshed, we're revived. There is, however, one risk associated with Sukkot, the time of such joy after such an intense time of inspection, repentance. And I really hope, for your sake of struggle, I hope that.
But that beautiful joy and celebration, it actually can distract us a little bit.
[00:02:42] Speaker A: It can divert a focus, it can.
[00:02:45] Speaker B: Blur the memory a bit regarding what.
[00:02:48] Speaker A: We just spent time recovering, uncovering, recovering.
[00:02:53] Speaker B: Asking God to help us with. And this attitude of, we got through the tough part, let's move on. Yes, we did the work, let's party.
That can be dangerous.
Because before we move too fast past these important days, I want to encourage you to keep on doing the hard work. Now someone could say this is false advertising.
[00:03:15] Speaker A: That slide said Sukkot and beyond.
And you're still doing that thing.
[00:03:23] Speaker B: I'm definitely still doing that thing. Because I don't want you to miss that thing. And we'll talk about that thing in just a second.
[00:03:31] Speaker A: I wanna keep on encouraging you to.
[00:03:34] Speaker B: Do the building, to do the hard work.
[00:03:37] Speaker A: Reveal.
[00:03:37] Speaker B: Deal. Heal. I want today to be a check.
[00:03:40] Speaker A: In and a motivator and maybe a.
[00:03:41] Speaker B: Little bit of a kick in the butt because some people need those sometimes. Me at the top of the list.
[00:03:47] Speaker A: Amen.
I'm done.
[00:03:59] Speaker B: Today is the most important part of heal.
[00:04:03] Speaker A: For all the time that we spent thinking internally, I do not want us to miss outward.
I don't want us to miss the most important part of your life, which is the outward, outward attention in our.
[00:04:17] Speaker B: Relationships, our relationships, especially the ones closest to you. And yes, it starts with us. We can never control how people behave. We can only control their effect on us and how we choose to respond.
That's the truth. But considering how important our relationships are to our well being, mentally, physically, emotionally.
[00:04:44] Speaker A: Spiritually, every lie you can add a relationship is important. There is a necessity to make sure.
[00:04:51] Speaker B: We don't leave some work in this area unfinished because we moved past it into the season of joy or unaddressed because once again, we really just don't want to face a difficulty.
So I think the best way that I can make this relatable and to teach you is to teach you about the masks, the mask that we are inclined to put on.
Now let me ask you, how many.
Actually, you shouldn't raise your hand. Just think to yourself, how many of.
[00:05:24] Speaker A: You had a, like a lightning strike.
[00:05:26] Speaker B: Revelation during the high holidays, A burning.
[00:05:29] Speaker A: Bush moment where like everything, you got something.
[00:05:36] Speaker B: I got a few messages from people who did. Thank you. By the way, that makes my job worthwhile when I know that it's worthwhile. Realistically, a few people had that experience. But the other question, how many at least had a meaningful insight during the high holidays about your life, about your relationship? Something small, maybe real.
Something may be small, but I certainly hope real.
[00:06:06] Speaker A: And I hope that's many, many more of you.
[00:06:08] Speaker B: Because that's what it's supposed to do. That's how God creates a new heart in us.
[00:06:13] Speaker A: And it's wonderful.
[00:06:14] Speaker B: We have these dramatic revelations. Thank God for them. When God speaks in fireworks. But a lot of times it's that still small voice, right?
And often it is with honesty and humility in our commitment to what we hear. Where God makes A space, we make a space for God to create and nourish that clean heart. And that's what Yom Kippur does. It opens the heart. And then there are these days.
These are the days almost immediately afterwards and beyond where we make a decision as to whether or not we're going to continue that process.
The high holidays are really sort of a gate. They're a start, they're a launch.
The big stuff takes time. I told you in Rosh Hashanah. Beautiful creations. They take time. And you want to know the hard part that I didn't really talk about? They take persistent effort, beautiful things. Creating takes persistent effort and a recognition that the thing you're creating with God's help is your best life. And that is worth working for, that is worth fighting for.
Because I can tell you, for most.
[00:07:32] Speaker A: People, the idea of creating beautiful things.
[00:07:36] Speaker B: Of creating a beautiful life and beautiful relationships, it's.
It's beautiful.
Okay?
[00:07:44] Speaker A: The idea.
[00:07:47] Speaker B: The reality of it is a different story.
It's that classic New Year's resolution thing, right?
[00:07:55] Speaker A: Man, I really wanna do that thing.
If I did that thing or those things, I'll be better off. We'll be better off. I'll be happy. I'm gonna do that thing. And how long do people stick with that thing?
[00:08:10] Speaker B: Whatever it is, I'll answer it for you. Usually until it becomes uncomfortable.
That's about how long that usually lasts.
[00:08:19] Speaker A: The thing that was going to make them happy, the thing that was going to take them to the next level, generally as a resolution, they stick there until it's uncomfortable. And that's the point at which we put the mask back on.
[00:08:35] Speaker B: The mask.
[00:08:37] Speaker A: When we know that there are things that need doing, that need repair, and if we could invest in them to do the work of the repair, and we don't do that. We know it, but we don't do.
[00:08:50] Speaker B: It.
[00:08:53] Speaker A: For whatever reason.
[00:08:54] Speaker B: And I'll mention that in a minute.
[00:08:56] Speaker A: We have to create our own thing.
[00:09:01] Speaker B: Rather than working with the creation that God began over these last days in us at the holidays, we create a story, an excuse, a facade we have to tell ourselves, eh, I tried.
Or probably not really worth the effort.
[00:09:23] Speaker A: I mean, would that really have made me happy?
[00:09:25] Speaker B: What difference would it really have made?
Seriously?
[00:09:28] Speaker A: You know what? As on second thought, where I am is not a bad place. Who I am, what I am, this is not bad.
I'm doing fine.
It's not bad. And even if I did that thing, it probably really wouldn't change that much.
[00:09:48] Speaker B: And that is a mask.
The Mask.
There are many, actually. But the truth is, if we're not willing to face the difficulty of doing that thing, whatever it is that, you know, needs doing, we have to put.
[00:10:02] Speaker A: On a pretty face outside and deny.
[00:10:06] Speaker B: What'S really happening on the inside.
I read an article. Anyone read Simon Jacobson's. He wrote a book called A Meaningful Life. He has a wonderful Elul Meaningful Life Institute or whatever. But anyway, one of his Elul emails talked about the word panim In Hebrew, panim, It means face, but it's drawn.
[00:10:25] Speaker A: From the same word, panim that means interior.
[00:10:30] Speaker B: Okay, you know what that means?
[00:10:31] Speaker A: It means that your outward panim should reflect your inner panim.
They should match.
And when we see those kind of people, we see, like, they literally sort.
[00:10:43] Speaker B: Of have a glow about them. What is it that makes that person so special?
[00:10:48] Speaker A: You say, why are they so happy?
Well, their panim matches their panim. There's no mask.
[00:10:57] Speaker B: Amen.
[00:11:02] Speaker A: A mark of a content person is that the inside is the same as the outside.
That's what the Hebrew is telling us with this beautiful language.
[00:11:14] Speaker B: And as we recognize this, you know, now here's gonna be the tough part for some of you.
[00:11:20] Speaker A: One of the most common areas I've observed for mask wearing is when it.
[00:11:24] Speaker B: Comes to our relationship with other people, especially those closest to us, what I mean is we know there's work to be done.
Our relationships are struggling, or they're at least unhealthy, or they're completely broken. And yet we avoid, we justify, we deny, we put on the mask and we can put on a good face for the world. But inside, our hearts are hurting on both sides.
You know, we talk a lot about community here. It's our mission statement. It's the thing we do best. We do teaching, we do this, we do fun things, but we do community.
Part of the beautiful thing that God created here in this worldwide community of connection. It's miraculous. But something really hit me these days as I surveyed the faces and the communications I received from people around the world.
[00:12:24] Speaker A: As I did my own soul work.
[00:12:26] Speaker B: I was reminded something very important.
[00:12:28] Speaker A: A community is only strong because not just when we come together, it's because of what we are when we go home.
The components of a kahila, of a.
[00:12:44] Speaker B: Congregation are what happens behind closed doors in your relationships. Marriages, friendships, parent child bonds, sibling relationships, work relationships, the things outside of here.
[00:12:58] Speaker A: And if those relationships are suffering, the community as a whole in some way is wearing a mask.
[00:13:11] Speaker B: And if I love this community, and I do, then I must care not Just about our services and our liturgy and our study, but about your lives at home.
[00:13:27] Speaker A: Really more.
[00:13:28] Speaker B: Really more about your lives out there than in here.
And I know many of us face challenges in various relationships. Not everyone, but many.
And we can come here and we.
[00:13:43] Speaker A: Can be warm and genuine and we.
[00:13:45] Speaker B: Can still wear a mask. And believe me, I live in the Deep South.
I've been to a lot of religious communities. I've seen it.
[00:13:54] Speaker A: The pretty bow and the matching kids.
[00:13:56] Speaker B: Dresses and the seersucker suit that's perfectly.
[00:13:59] Speaker A: Ironed and the smile that says everything's great, and behind it it stinks.
And you're shocked when you hear that Henry and Joan, they're getting a divorce. I never would have known.
Everything looks so good on the outside.
[00:14:28] Speaker B: I don't judge the impulse to cover up what hurts. That's not what this is about.
I just want to. I want to name the pain of having to put that mask on. And I want to encourage its renewal, its removal.
Removal.
[00:14:46] Speaker A: I have the amazing privilege of knowing many, many people's stories literally around the world. It's an unbelievable privilege to know your ups, your downs. It's to be invited into that.
[00:14:59] Speaker B: And I'm grateful for all that I've.
[00:15:01] Speaker A: Learned from you, from being with people in their lives, in stories, God willing, occasionally offering some kind of helpful advice.
And what I'm going to say today.
[00:15:16] Speaker B: Or am saying, is not speaking to anyone directly. This message is not your story.
[00:15:24] Speaker A: But.
[00:15:27] Speaker B: If you hear me speaking to you, my hope is that I am only being the messenger that Hashem has called me to be. Because it's a message that you should take personally.
So here's my simple goal is to invite you to take the courage of the holidays, to acknowledge the work you've done, and to aim it at what matters most, your closest relationships. And especially, especially those that are struggling.
If you have those relationships, we have to be willing to face that head on. And that is to say, we have to be willing to fight for what matter.
And yes, it is easier to say, thank God that's over. Let's get on to the sukkah man, uncork the wine, put the roof on, and let's rock this thing. That's much easier.
Believe me, I know.
But in the process of that, if you're not careful, you know what's waiting for you.
The mask.
Here's what we know. There's nothing good about being behind a mask. It's not real. It's not real.
It's built on things that aren't Real. And when life leans on that, it just falls apart. So we fight for what is real. When our panim matches our panim. When the outside tells the truth of the inside. Now that language. Fight for what matters. That might be.
That might be controversial. Let me explain that, because a mask is avoidance, right? Who loves to fight with the people they love?
You shouldn't raise your hands for any of the questions I'm about to ask you.
[00:17:21] Speaker A: Who gets excited about having an intense discussion about how your spouse can't communicate.
[00:17:26] Speaker B: And you can't handle it anymore?
[00:17:31] Speaker A: Who wakes up energized, knowing that there.
[00:17:33] Speaker B: Is an elephant in the relationship that's.
[00:17:38] Speaker A: Been brewing and it really needs to be discussed. Who thrives on highly emotional conversation with tears and hard words, saying necessary things? Who loves it?
[00:17:53] Speaker B: Okay, no one understandable. But because of that, let me ask you a few more questions. You definitely don't need to raise your hand, but just listen. Who chooses instead to wear the mask of denial to leave things unaddressed? We put a mask on them. Sooner or later it'll probably get better.
Who wears a mask of acceptance on every day of their life around someone they love because they just know this is how it's going to be and they're never going to change.
Who wears the mask of silence to say nothing, because at least what we have is better than nothing.
But inside you're completely empty. And you wonder, how in the world can I continue to do this?
The common thread of all those questions is they center on facing conflict. And many of us, not only are we not good at it, we're afraid of it.
We are afraid of it. Some of us are conflict avoidant, some of us are conflict prone. But both of which wear masks. They are masks.
Avoidance says everything's fine until it obviously isn't.
Aggression says, I'm going to make you hurt and that'll cover up my own pain.
Masks don't work in the long term, but the Torah and Judaism give us a third path to frame.
It's called a machloket. Leshem shemayim. That's the Hebrew. You don't have to remember it. It's an argument for the sake of heaven.
Machloket leshem shemayim. A disagreement for the sake of heaven. Biblical examples. Abraham arguing with God. Moses interceding with God for Israel.
The Talmud talks about Shammai and Hillel. They're the ultimate machloket.
The argument for the sake of heaven.
[00:20:13] Speaker A: They disagreed on almost every aspect of.
[00:20:16] Speaker B: Jewish law, yet their motivation was pure. It was truth. Seeking. They respected each other.
[00:20:24] Speaker A: They knew it was worth engaging in hard, open, honest discussion.
[00:20:31] Speaker B: And when I say sometimes we gotta fight for what's worth fighting for, I'm not really talking about fighting with others.
[00:20:39] Speaker A: I'm sort of saying fighting your own urge to put on a mask, whichever.
[00:20:45] Speaker B: One it is, whatever label you attach to it.
[00:20:51] Speaker A: Fighting the masks of acceptance, of denial.
[00:20:54] Speaker B: Of ignorance, of silence.
[00:20:56] Speaker A: Your marriage, your family, your struggling relationships, your painful desires to live a contented life with the people that matter to you most. These things are important. These are the things of heaven, of God. He made us for relationship, for people, for others. And that is always worth the struggle.
And it sometimes literally means we have to struggle to do the uncomfortable, to face the conflict.
[00:21:32] Speaker B: The elephant can't live in the house.
But once we accept that we're wearing.
[00:21:38] Speaker A: A mask, once we commit to the.
[00:21:40] Speaker B: Hard work, the discussions, the honest emotion.
[00:21:43] Speaker A: We can be uncomfortable.
[00:21:45] Speaker B: For the sake of heaven, for what matters.
But you have to learn to handle conflict the right way. We have to be good at it for the sake of heaven. And that starts with you.
That can only start with you.
That's the value of doing your introspection. And let me be clear, Judaism does not condone disagreement solely or informed by anger that harms or belittles or humiliates or puts someone in their place. That's forbidden.
[00:22:15] Speaker A: Raising your voice, that's not a virtue.
[00:22:21] Speaker B: Fighting to fight, no, that's not what I'm talking about. Passionate engagement, that means saying this.
[00:22:27] Speaker A: This matters to you, matter to me. We matter.
Sometimes, my friends, even a small spark of conflict is needed to light the flame.
For the sake of heaven. This is worth contending for. The courage to step into hard conversations kindly, clearly, with that person's dignity in view, with them held high.
I've heard people say, well, I can tell you this, I have never raised.
[00:23:04] Speaker B: My voice to my wife or my children.
I've never done it.
Okay, fine.
[00:23:11] Speaker A: That's fine.
[00:23:12] Speaker B: That's admirable.
[00:23:13] Speaker A: As long as that is not the.
[00:23:15] Speaker B: Mask of silence and avoidance, because sometimes it is and it loses some of its luster when that's why it's being done.
I've raised my voice.
I am certainly not proud of it in every instance where it has occurred. But at times, my friends, I want to tell you, emotion is an indication of engagement, of saying this.
We're going to get down to it.
We've got to.
We have got to.
[00:23:58] Speaker A: We've got to be honest with each other. We can't keep wearing these masks. And, yep, Tensions can rise. Things can.
[00:24:05] Speaker B: They can build.
[00:24:06] Speaker A: I've argued with Kelly many, many times, I promise you, and I've gotten it wrong many, many, many times. But the point is not actually whether your voice rises.
The point is whether your love is trying to rise through this emotion.
The point is whether can you argue, can you get down to it and.
[00:24:35] Speaker B: Stay on the same side of the table?
And that is a skill.
It's a skill. It takes time. It takes effort. It takes persistence. It takes patience.
[00:24:49] Speaker A: If you've never learned.
[00:24:52] Speaker B: You need to.
[00:24:54] Speaker A: You must.
You must.
[00:24:58] Speaker B: And often it takes courage to face what's hard. And some of you are hearing this. You're sitting in a marriage that is like two strangers passing in a hallway. Some are estranged from a child.
Some are at war with a sibling. Some are exhausted by their parents.
Teenagers. Be quiet. Or any other countless situations.
Any other. Of a countless number of situations that.
[00:25:24] Speaker A: Cause us to retreat.
[00:25:31] Speaker B: You cannot control outcomes always. You cannot direct where every story ends. I wish we could. But you can control your posture and your practice. That's what you can control. And you can control your refusal to live behind a mask. Life is way too short for that man.
This life matters. Love matters too much. And we're people who. We want to be outside what we are inside.
[00:25:58] Speaker A: But we've tried it all. Nothing works.
We've tried to talk. We're not good at it. We always just end up mad. And then it creates distance.
[00:26:10] Speaker B: It's best if we just put on the mask.
[00:26:12] Speaker A: Anyway.
We're fine.
[00:26:17] Speaker B: We're fine.
It's tolerable.
We're doing okay. Are you.
Is this the life you really want?
Tolerable?
Making it.
What is worse than a period of time? Because this doesn't happen in one conversation. What is worse than a period of time, of hardship? Hard, honest conversation is a very quiet surrender behind a mask.
That's way worse.
And listen. And this is real hard to say and to hear, but if the relationship is so brittle that a plain truth is going to break it, then we have to ask the question, what do we actually have here?
You're not good at conflict. Well, you can get better at it. If what you have is worth fighting for, and I think it is, you can frame your struggles behind that idea of an argument for the sake of heaven, because you know why? I'll tell you. God cares about you and he cares about your happiness. And you hear that in a lot of messages. And I don't give those kind of messages very often, but it is the doggone truth. God cares about you and wants you to be happy in the things that are most important to him and to you, and that is your relationships with other people.
And he will help you, but you will have work to do. And I had to learn that the hard way. I'll be very vulnerable with you.
I am vulnerable in this way because it's one of the things that I'm happiest about what God ever did in my life, of all things. For many years, I wore the mask of aggression.
It's how I handled conflict. It protected me. I thought I took things personally. I got offended quickly. I saw everyone else's faults. I lashed out. I shut down. I didn't have any idea how to contend for the sake of heaven.
I just wanted to contend to protect my own hurt.
If you hurt me, I'm coming at you hard and strong.
I had to learn vulnerability without fear. But I had to do my part. I had to understand my patterns. And most people are not good at this, and I understand that. Why would we be? Why would we want to see ourselves.
[00:29:12] Speaker A: To blame when someone else is causing our pain?
That seems completely illogical.
But seeing yourself taking off your own.
[00:29:24] Speaker B: Mask will help you see other people, to really see them.
And when you do that, they actually then can feel invited to take off their own mask. That's disarming, and it moves the progress of the thing forward. But how in the world do I learn to do that?
You may not be able to do it on your own.
If you're stuck in the same loop, get help with no shame at all. Shame is usually a lie, and it causes you to put on a very different mask, and it's even uglier.
Get help.
A counselor, a mentor, a trusted couple, a rabbi. I know some.
There are podcasts, there are courses, there are conferences. But I'm going to give you one easy option to get you started. Read together. And I don't mean actually sitting down with the. You know, the nightstand and the little candle, and you guys get in your warm jammies and you sit down, you get the same book, and you're reading.
[00:30:34] Speaker A: Oh, honey, did you see what's on page five?
[00:30:36] Speaker B: That's wonderful, because when we're dealing with these kinds of situations, that's not always easy to do. I'm saying read together.
I'll make a specific suggestion for anyone who has heard what I said today and felt it.
This is a book that's called Leadership and Self Deception. It's by the Arbinger Institute. This is a corporate entity that teaches Businesses how to best run their relationship structure within.
Why in the world is this the book I'm holding up?
It's not really about leadership.
It's not a religious book, it's not a marriage book. But this book changed my life.
Thank you to Ellis Bush, who is a professor of management and leadership who recommended when I asked him what's the best leadership book you ever read? This was the one he gave me. Sat on my shelf for several years. I finally read it. I've now read it like three or four times.
It's a book about getting out of the box.
And you can't understand that term until you read the book. So I'm not going to tell you anything else about the box.
You'll understand it. It's about seeing people yourself. Most of all, it's about the danger of seeing people as objects of things.
[00:32:09] Speaker A: That are getting in your way of.
[00:32:11] Speaker B: Being happy and starting to see them as people. It's about how self, self betrayal fuels blame. How honesty and responsibility are all that's what it takes to open a real change. That word, self deception.
Self deception. It's hard, but it aptly describes the masks we wear.
[00:32:36] Speaker A: We believe that we're actually fooling not.
[00:32:41] Speaker B: Only other people, but ourselves with our masks.
The book is about how what you think are other people's problems may actually have some, if not all, its source in you.
Now listen to me.
[00:32:58] Speaker A: I don't like books that say relationships.
[00:33:01] Speaker B: If they're broken, are all one person's fault. That's not what this says. That's not what I'm saying. There's no such thing as that.
But I think that book can speak to anyone because we all have people in our lives.
We all have people in our lives. But it can especially speak to someone who wants to take off that mask and honestly face the challenges for the sake of heaven.
This message, this whole thing, it should be a course.
[00:33:34] Speaker A: But I'm gonna give you very quickly.
[00:33:36] Speaker B: Here because I know this is long.
[00:33:39] Speaker A: I'm gonna give you a rapid fire.
[00:33:41] Speaker B: List of arguing for the sake of heaven. Okay, you ready?
If I'm speaking to you, take some notes, go back, listen to the recording. Write them down in a language that applies to you. Number one and quick. I'm going quick.
Heart check. Before you speak, before you say a word, you ask, what is my true intention here? What am I trying to do? Do I wanna win, punish, prove, or do I wanna repair God? You say, make my words truthful, make them kind. Let my love be higher than my anger. Number two. Clarify a shared value.
[00:34:17] Speaker A: What are we fighting for?
[00:34:20] Speaker B: Positive meaning.
[00:34:21] Speaker A: We want a strong marriage. We both love our child. We want peace in our home. Say it out loud. Say it out loud. Communicate it. It changes the chemistry in the room.
[00:34:31] Speaker B: Number three.
[00:34:31] Speaker A: Choose the right time and place. Not in the doorway. Not when one of you is completely tired or exhausted or frustrated by what Bill did at work. Not in front of your kids.
[00:34:43] Speaker B: Schedule the conversation if you have to do that. Number four.
[00:34:47] Speaker A: Speak from ownership. Use I more than you.
I feel a certain way. I feel shut out when you. I want to understand your stress and I want you to hear mine. I am committed to solving this with you.
[00:35:06] Speaker B: Whatever number this is.
[00:35:07] Speaker A: Eliminate contempt, name calling, eye rolling, sarcasm, historical grenades from six years ago that you think are going to blow the person up and hurt them.
Those things feel real powerful for five seconds and then they explode and you.
[00:35:27] Speaker B: See the damage they did and you're never going to get it back.
Get specific.
[00:35:33] Speaker A: Get small. You cannot fix big things in one night.
[00:35:38] Speaker B: You just can't.
Creating beautiful things takes time. Many honest conversations beat one volcanic eruption that does just end in silence.
[00:35:50] Speaker A: Invite, invite, invite their story. Tell me how you see it and then actually listen. And if you can't say that back to them in a way that resonates with what they just said, you're still arguing. You're not contending for heaven.
Create an experiment. For the next two weeks, let's dot, dot, dot. I know it sounds cheesy, man, but I'm telling you, just little things. For the next month, I will commit to make it measurable.
Build in repair. When voices rise or when tears start falling, pause. Not we're walking away. Not we're putting on the mask. We're just going to pause to reset and my goodness, of all things, apologize quickly. I'm sorry I did that. I'm sorry I rolled my eyes when you were talking. I know that's important, what you said.
[00:36:51] Speaker B: And close with something hopeful.
[00:36:54] Speaker A: We're in this together. I'm committed to this. To you. What matters is worth fighting for. And if you're saying right now, we've tried, we're not good at that, you can get good at it if you want to.
[00:37:12] Speaker B: Why am I telling you this?
[00:37:14] Speaker A: For goodness sakes, Rabbi, why? It's Sukkot. This is a bummer.
[00:37:26] Speaker B: Because I care about this community more than you know. So much so that I'll have an uncomfortable conversation up here with whoever needs to have it. It's because I love you. And it's because you're all worth fighting.
The sukkah actually makes a good example in one way. Because it's vulnerable. You know, I had to tie Sukkot into this somehow, right?
The sukkah, it's vulnerable.
It's a vulnerable structure by design.
[00:37:58] Speaker A: We build it the best we can, but it's subject to the elements and to the storms, right?
[00:38:06] Speaker B: It can feel a little shaky in a storm.
[00:38:08] Speaker A: But man, inside the sukkah there is such unbelievable joy. I can't even supernatural thing. Why would it be that this little wood stick hut has such incredible joy?
[00:38:23] Speaker B: I don't know why.
[00:38:24] Speaker A: It's just part of it. Vulnerable, full of joy.
[00:38:27] Speaker B: And relationships are not that different.
They're really not.
[00:38:32] Speaker A: When you choose to stop wearing a mask and bring your real self to the table, you're doing what a sukkah does. You're choosing exposure and trust. It's a place where God meets a lot of people.
So shalom make. And as we step into our Sukkot, all around the world.
[00:38:51] Speaker B: Thank God. It's beautiful. It's wonderful.
[00:38:54] Speaker A: As we step into our Sukkot, we.
[00:38:57] Speaker B: Are going to have an amazing celebration.
We're going to.
But let's refuse the easy drift back from reveal and deal into the mask. Let's commit to the actual healing.
[00:39:11] Speaker A: Get the book.
Get the book.
[00:39:16] Speaker B: For husbands and wives who are struggling, you do need to read it together. If you have a one sided relationship where you just don't know how to do it anymore with someone, you read the book, you see if your change affects a change in them. And who knows, maybe they'll read it later.
[00:39:33] Speaker A: But you can't say, you need to read this.
I just finished this. It made me a lot better. You need to read this.
[00:39:46] Speaker B: You'll see when you read that even if you understand what the box is and you're not in the box, you never ever, ever, ever tell somebody else that they are in the box. Even if they are leadership and self deception. The Arbinger Institute. Getting out of the box.
Get the book. Read it. Ask for help if you need it. Consider what I said to you today. Machlochet, Leshem, Shemayim. Arguing for the sake of heaven. And when you sit under the shka, when you sit under the Sukkot, the roof over the Sukkah and there's. You can see, you can see the heavens, the thin slice of heavens and the stars.
[00:40:31] Speaker A: Just.
[00:40:32] Speaker B: Just say to God, make me this open with the people that I love.
Help me.
Help me fill our home. Teach me, guide me, Meet us fill our home with your presence. Beautiful things take time. Relationships worth having are worth fighting for.
For the sake of heaven, for the sake of truth, for the sake of joy, I want to invite you to do that work.
Chag Sukkot Sameach Shabbat Shalom I'm Darren with Shalom Macon.
[00:41:11] Speaker C: If you enjoyed this teaching, I want to ask you to take the next step. Start by making sure you subscribe to our channel. Next. Make sure you hit the like button on this video so that others know it's worth their time to watch.
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